Being Strong

For a decade I have struggled with my body image- specifically my weight.  I do believe that this has had a lot to do with the types of girls and women I saw in magazines, in the movies, on TV, etc.  I wanted to look flawless in a bikini, to be able to wear short shorts in the summer time, to never be ashamed of my jiggly thighs ever again.  It has only been within the past few years that I realized that I will never be a “skinny girl,” but I am a strong woman.  I am made in the image of my mother, aunts, and grandmothers, and no matter how hard I try, my thighs will always be a force to be reckoned with.  So then, why not make them an unstoppable force?

My mom and I started doing a race a month in 2013.   It was great, we ran 5ks, 10ks, 12ks, and half-marathons.  I did get better at running, and I did hate it less, but I never really felt that I was getting in any better shape.  “Maybe I should run more,” I told myself.  With that thought in my mind, I set a goal to run a marathon on my 26th birthday.  26 for 26 sounded like a great idea to me!  However, despite the countless miles of running, I never felt that I was actually getting into better shape. Yes, my calves looked great, and I did notice I felt I had a greater lung capacity, but I wasn’t losing any weight or getting any stronger.  About half way through the first year of “a race a month” I decided to try something new.  I ended up trying Crossfit, since I had a few friends who went to a “box” that was literally less than five minutes from our house.  Ian and I went for several months, and I liked the workouts, but it never really felt like the right fit.  I have weird social anxiety, which I know anyone close to me would find hard to believe, but I get quite flustered around groups of people I don’t know.

About six months after starting, and after my diagnosis, I stopped attending Crossfit and for the most part stopped running. I still got in the occasional workout, but I was much more sedentary. And this continued, for another year. Then I got this awesome new co-worker who also felt stuck in a bit of a fitness rut, so we started making little challenges; jumping jacks while waiting for a machine fan to come on,  complete work on a machine, do ten push-ups, etc.  It was nice to actually be doing something again, but I wanted to do something more.  I contemplated joining the Y again, but it’s so far from our house it didn’t seem reasonable. I asked our friend Charlie which box she was going to, and it turns out it is less than five minutes from the park-and-ride where we catch the bus to work.

I’ve learned that Crossfit truly is about the community.  I love the box I go to now, and that’s because of the people there.   Everyone has made me feel welcome, and there is constant encouragement to try harder and make myself better.  Every day I feel stronger, mentally and physically, and I have even reached some of my goals (doing ten “real” push ups- not on my knees).  I always look forward to going, and there is always something to work on improving.  I would not be so excited about it were it not for the amazing people there.

From now on, I am never going to try to be a skinny girl.  I am going to be fit, strong, and determined.  I am going so set goals, and work toward them, but it will never be about a number on a scale again.  It’s a lot more fun that way!

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6 month Post-Treatment

Hello everyone.  I am still horrible at this blogging business, so we will see how long I can keep up with things this time around.  It has been six months since the end of my first round of treatment, and I am happy to report that I am doing quite well!  In November I had a follow-up CT scan that showed that the Rituxan infusions did shrink the lymph nodes that were causing numbness in my left arm and throughout my abdomen (half of all patients respond to a four-dose treatment cycle, which is what I had).  I did one more treatment in December, and my oncologist said maybe we would do a schedule of treatments every other month (maintenance).

Through my own research, I decided I do not want to get Rituxan treatments unless necessary.  Rituxan induces B-cell depletion, which may compromise the immune system; however, recovery of the normal B-cell population usually occurs six to nine months after discontinuation of therapy.  Hopefully this means I am at about at this point and I will stop getting sick so often!  Approximately 39% of patients on maintenance Rituxan schedules develop hypogammaglobulinemia.  Hypogammaglobulinemia is a type of primary immune deficiency disease.  To get a bit scientific, Rituxan targets CD20, the marker that is present on the surface of all mature B-cells, not just the bad B-cells that turned cancerous.  One of the unwanted side effects of long term treatment with Rituxan  is that the process kills of perfectly healthy mature B-cells as well. No mature B-cells means no new plasma cells can be made, which in turn means no more production of immunoglobulins.  Patients undergoing long term and regularly scheduled Rituxan maintenance regimens run the risk of tanking immunoglobulin levels, increasing their risk of infections.
*Citation: J Clin Oncol 28:7s, 2010 (suppl; abstr 8088)*

I saw the oncologist again this month, and he listened to my concerns, and agreed that while I am having so symptoms of the lymphoma, I should do fine without receiving treatments.  Future flare-ups will be addressed, but without those I am on a schedule of four months in between check-ups and blood tests.

For the not-so-great part of the past week, we learned on Friday that my dad has lung cancer.  We don’t know the stage/grade yet, but it is adenocarcinoma, caused by 50+ years of smoking.  If there is one reason for me to implore you to quit smoking, this is it!  Telling your parents, children, siblings, and friends that you have cancer is a horrible feeling on both ends!  I hope that no one reading this ever has to be at either end of that conversation.

Unfortunately for us Anstines, this is not our first rodeo with cancer.  My grandmother had the same type of lymphoma as I do.  My niece, Jasmin, has already beat leukemia.  She set a good example for us to follow, and she is still kicking ass!  We will get through this, and I hope to be able to spend a lot more quality time with family.

Given that news, I was a bit out-of-sorts throughout the weekend, but spending time with the great people in my life helped me tremendously.  Friday we made it out to karaoke, enjoyed some tasty beer, and our friend Jen sang karaoke for the first time!  On Saturday Ian and I got some chores done around the house in the morning, and then we lost our motivation, so we headed out to Bainbridge to check out a Crossfit Tagteam Throwdown.  I started going to a new Crossfit gym (they all them boxes) just about two months ago, and I absolutely love it.  I know some of you are reading this and shaking your heads, but there is a reason why people love Crossfit so much.  Really this could be any exercise program, I just happened to find a style of fitness I enjoy, and a totally rad community within it.  I had tried Crossfit in the past, and that box just wasn’t the right fit for me.  I asked my friend Charlie where she was going, and she told me about a new box that had recently opened, and encouraged me to try it out.  So now I am hooked, thanks to  After the competition, we headed over to Bainbridge Distillery and tried some delicious alcoholic beverages!  Ian and I went grocery shopping, then spent the rest of our evening hanging out at home.

Sunday was Sounders Match Day!  Not just any match day, but Portscum Derby!  Always a good time.  I started off the day making breakfast for my mom and her girlfriend Ann.  I tried making french toast with a Paleo bread I found, but it just wasn’t up to par.  The mixed berry reduction I made to go over the top redeemed it a bit.  The stars of the show were the Bloody Marys and the Lox omelettes.  SO MUCH YUM.  I love smoked salmon, and this was an amazingly easy a delicious concoction.  I took some pictures of the prep, but forgot to take any once I was done- oops!

French toast yumminess and eggs for the omelettes.  It’s a good thing my ladies lay about a dozen eggs a day!

For the Lox omelettes

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The bread I used and the berry reduction- primarily raspberry with some blueberry, strawberry, and cherry mixed in.

I was also working on transplanting some seed starts to pots, and our kitchen window is now full!

I love this picture of egg-shell “confetti”.  I mix crushed eggshells with oyster shells, which the chickens eat for calcium.

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Garden progress! Raspberries, peas, broccoli, radishes, beans, spinach, and tomatoes all doing well.

Ian and I headed to Seattle for the Sounders match and met up with Leigh and Amanda for some drinks.  While at the Owl & Thistle Ian got a phone call from Josh saying he was in town and headed to meet us for a beer.  It was really great to see Josh & Tessie, and we plan to visit them in the mountains of Northeastern Washington for 4th of July.

Sounders beat Portland!  It was a fun match, far too many chances for us that were not capitalized on.  Makes me look forward even more to the next Cascadia clash, as Ian and I are heading up to Vancouver BC for a long weekend.  We skipped gyros in order to make it to the 9pm ferry to Bainbridge, which ended up being a 3-hour ferry experience.  It was long, we were all very tired, and if you want to read about it, here is the only news story I can find on the incident:

We finally got home about 130am, and after an exhausting night and emotionally draining weekend, we stayed home for some much needed rest. It was a gorgeous day to not be at work,  and we managed to get some chores done.  I had a great workout tonight, ate some tasty leftovers, and now I am signing off this post so I can go relax in bed with Game of Thrones (I’m almost finished with book one!)


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Autoimmune Diet- Week 1

Concurrent to my treatment, I am also following what is called an “autoimmune protocol” which is to help support my immune system and prevent inflammation.  My goal is to give my body all the ammunition possible to help fight this.  So what can’t I eat? Grains, dairy, eggs, nightshades, alcohol, nuts, and seeds.  I think that is everything.  And while that seems like A LOT of things, there are still many delicious things I can eat.  I can eat fruits and veggies, however I need to limit the berries and leafy greens (high in insoluble fiber), as well as tasty, delicious meat.  I am buying local and organic as much as possible.

My awesome friend Melissa had the wonderful idea (she is full of those) of getting together once a week and having a night where we cook dinner according to what I can eat and hopefully having enough for leftovers.  The leftovers have already helped a ton, allowing me to have meals ready to take with me to my long appointments and a quick meal when I am not feeling up to cooking.  I was astounded by the lack of any snacks with real nutrition available at my last appointment.  There were fruit snacks, gold fish, saltine crackers, and juices.  And a big bowl of hard candies. I know these things are cheap, but nourishing your body is very important when going through treatments such as chemo and blood transfusions!  I would like to prepare some healthy snacks and take them into the treatment center.  Maybe after I am done with my treatment I will do that!

We got together last week and made some very tasty things, but as I was still not 100% clear on the full limitations of my diet, there were a few items that technically I shouldn’t eat.  I had to look of the full list of spices I am not allowed to have, and its unfortunately very long!  That made us a lot more prepared this week.  Christina, Jordan, Cait, and I met at Melissa’s house with various ingredients and began cooking immediately!  Making good, wholesome food takes a while!

Christina and Jordan made an absolutely amazing cauliflower dish last week, and this week they made a apricot and almond couscous.  The almonds were left on the side so each person could add as they wanted (as I cannot eat almonds, even if I weren’t on the AIP, they give me tummy aches).

Melissa slaved away making a delicious salad with mango, avocado, dates, and an avocado-grapefruit-cilantro dressing.  Super delicious!  She also attempted a beet hummus, with beets fresh from her neighbor’s garden, but she was not satisfied with it.  I gladly took the beets, and will be experimenting with them tonight!

Cait’s dish was my favorite of the evening, a German purple sweet potato salad. TASTY!! She better be sending us all the recipe!

I made some lemony lamb dolmas, which were pretty tasty, but I think I can play around with to make even better (specifically, I need a food processor!) and for dessert I made what the recipe called a Blueberry Bacon Brownie, but it was more like a fudge than a brownie.  It contained bacon, ghee, coconut oil, sweet potato flour, gelatin, and blueberries.  It is most definitely an interesting dessert.  It did satisfy my sweet tooth!

My very full plate!

This past Sunday Ian and I hosted a Mabon party at our house.  Mabon is a festival celebrating the fall equinox.  Mabon was a Welsh God, son of Mother Earth goddess Modron.  I roasted four chickens and everyone brought something to contribute to the feast.  At sunset we walked down to the beach and had a fire.  It was a great time!  Because I had roasted so many chickens, I had plenty of leftover meat.  Today I decided to attempt making a grain, egg, dairy free pot pie.  I used tapioca and coconut flours for the crust.  It came out really really well, however I do need to tweak the crust recipe some as it is a bit gummy.  I think that is from the tapioca flour.  IMG_3137IMG_3138


I have another treatment tomorrow, and plenty of tasty leftovers so that I just have to get my tupperware in order tonight and tomorrow I will be ready to go.  Tomorrow’s infusion should be much easier and faster, and I will be sure to post updates.

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First Rituxan Infusion

Good evening everyone!  I am feeling quite alright six hours after ending my first Rituxan infusion.  I do get a few waves of crumminess every so often, but overall I just feel tired.  I took a nap on the couch for a few hours, we were trying to watch the Ken Burn’s documentary on the Roosevelts, but I didn’t make it very far into that (as expected!)  As I write this Ian is doing dishes, taking out recycling, and overall doing a good job making sure I rest and eat.  I am on my second can of tuna over leafy greens.

My day started off with a tingly left arm, bacon, avocado, and kombucha, and after Ian and I had eaten we headed to Harrison Oncology & Hematology in Poulsbo.  I first had a finger poke to test my red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelet levels,  followed by a “counseling” session with the Nurse Practitioner to give me more info on the drug (what it does, that a small portion of the Rituximab antibody is mouse protein, side effects, etc), and then signing that I consent to treatment.

I was then taken back to the infusion room, and was able to pick my own chair,  There were three or four other patients in the room, and just as many nurses, plus a volunteer.  I chose the chair in the corner because there were tables on both sides of it, and I like to spread my shit out!  I had books, tunes, tea, ginger chews, and some lunch for the day.  I settled in to my chair and waited.

At 9:48 I got an IV in my left forearm. It hurt a bit more than the standard elbow crook, but once it was in I could barely feel it except for a few times throughout the day it felt like reminding me.  All the nurses share responsibilities for your care, but each patient has a “main” nurse, and mine was Kelly.  She did a great job!  Right after the IV was in I was started on a saline drip while I waited for all the paperwork side of things to be completed.  At 10:14 I was given two Tylenol (orally), then 50mg of Benadryl (intravenously) at 10:23.  The benadryl took ten minutes and then I had a rush of drowsiness.  I had been reading my book and I suddenly felt like snoozing.

At 10:41 Kelly started to Rituxan drip at 50ml/hr.  She took my vitals (bp 127/88, 98.4 degrees, pulse 65 bpm).  It wasn’t too long before I had to pee, which means unplugging the pump and walking the IV stand to the bathroom.  I was pretty drowsy at this point, so I had to take it slow.  Then back in the chair to wait.

While getting a Rituxan infusion you have to get vitals checked every 30 minutes, and if you are doing alright they increase the rate of the drip by 50ml/hr until you reach 400ml/hr (first infusion increase by 50ml/hr, subsequent infusions increase by 100ml/hr).  So at 11:15 my bp was 107/73, pulse 55 bpm, so Kelly bumped my Rituxan up to 100ml/hr.  Since I was feeling so drowsy I told Ian he could head out whenever (he had training at work at noon) and I was just going to try to nap.  Napping is hard in a bright room with a bunch of beeping equipment and nurses coming for vitals every half hour.  I started to dose, but then it was time for vitals again.  I had started to get itchy head and ears and was feeling a bit nauseous.  I ate a ginger chew, and at 11:45 Kelly decided to turn off the drip for a little bit to see if that helped with the itchiness.  Almost immediately after she turned it off my head began throbbing and I had a massive headache.  The ginger helped my tummy, and by 12:12 my head wasn’t throbbing so bad, so the Rituxan was started back up at 100ml/hr.  At 12:45 I was upped to 150ml/hr (vitals: 114/75, 85bpm, 99.5 degrees) and HUNGRY!  Kelly warmed up my chicken for me and I prepped my salad.  I was trying to eat the chicken, but my stomach just said “no” so I stuck with the salad.  I suddenly felt extremely hot.  Kelly was on lunch, so a different nurse came to check my vitals, and my bp had dropped to 98/58, temperature had risen to 100.8 but I still got bumped up to 200ml/hr.  I can tell I wasn’t really “with it” at this point because the times for the record I was keeping go from 1:10, to 1:45, then back down to 1:30.  I think it was probably about 1:15 at this point, and that would jive with the “every half hour” timeline.  At 1:30 I got 600mg of ibuprofen to help with the fever, and a couple minutes later Cait Morton showed up while I was on the phone with Ian.  I was feeling the worst not too long after she showed up- restless, nauseous, hot.  At 1:45 my bp was 105/59, temperature dropped to 99.7 and my pulse was 74bpm, and Kelly decided to keep me at 200ml/hr since I was not feeling good.  Ten minutes later, she decided to go ahead and up me to 250ml/hr since I was starting to feel better.  By the time it was time for vitals again (2:25) I was feeling much better.  I was bumped up to 300ml/hr.  Cait kept my mind of being stuck in that stupid chair with a sweaty back and feeling restless, and at 2:57 I was upped to 350ml/hr, which is as high as I got today.  I felt fine until the end, just a bit feverish.  I was DONE at 3:10, with bp of 121/62 and 99.3 degree temperature.  Melissa showed up just as I was finishing up.  Kelly came and flushed my line, which felt funny.  The exact opposite of the CT Scan, which it warm and tingly, it was a rush of cool into my IV.  Cait, Melissa, and I sat in the waiting room for a few minutes and as we left I was surprised by a sexy sax-o-gram (Dave).

Overall it wasn’t so bad, other than a couple bouts of nausea, the fever, and being incredibly restless while sitting for five hours.  The next time should be quicker since my body will be a bit more adjusted, and they should be able to up the drip rate faster.  Other than being a bit lethargic I feel fine.  I apologize this blog isn’t so exciting, I am fighting the horizontal position right now, but I wanted to get all of this down before a long sleep.  Ian wants a PB&J for some reason, and I have been craving a frosty, so I’m thinking for next week’s appointment I need to come up with some kind of tasty, frosty drink that is autoimmune diet approved.

Good night everyone!  More updates soon when I’m not so tired!

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Let’s Treat this Crud

This morning was my follow-up appointment regarding my CT results with my oncologist.  I am not really a fan of his office, or any doctor’s office really.   One enters and walks down a long hallways of a multi-story office building; it reminds me slightly of the building I worked in when I was a legal secretary.  When you enter the oncology suite, the reception desk is dead in front of you, with the waiting area just off to the right of that.  On the left everything is bright and medical, as the exam rooms are located just through a doorway.  To the far right is the INFUSION ROOM, which has big, hospital style chairs and a large digital clock.  They have some enormous chairs in the waiting area, so I am sure in the past they have had complaints from obese patients.  I’m talking triple wide butt size chairs!  I never sit in those!

I asked Ian to attend my appointment with me today, as I know I need to get better about relying on others and trusting that he will be there for me, as long as I just ask.  That is something I have been bad at in the past, and I will be working on in the future.  I have never wanted to be a burden, but as a doctor recently pointed out to me, I am never being a burden by asking for support, I am being human.  I sat facing the infusion room, trying not to look, but noticing the patients in those big chairs with their plastic-y looking upholstery.  9:31:57 displayed in large red letter on the clock.  I stopped looking in that direction and played with my phone.  Ian and I waited there for a few minutes before the nurse came for me.  I want to say her name is Sara, but I am not positive.  I know Sara is the name of the blonde, pregnant nurse, who I had never seen before today.  Anyhow, the unknown name nurse has been the one to take my vitals and blood the past three times I have been in.  She is great, so I really need to learn her name; she has tattoos, piercings, cure scrubs, and her blood draws are phenomenal.  When you have blood work done on a regular basis, you come to appreciate nurses like her.  Ian suggested I go into the medical office at the shipyard and show them the difference between my two arms.  Monday I had a blood draw from my left arm by a corpsman at work, then an IV at my CT that was in my right arm for about 20 minutes.  Dollar bill sized bruise from the blood draw, and you can barely even see the needle mark from the IV.  Cait and I were discussing how shipyard workers are pretty much just practice for new Navy corpsmen.

I digress!  Awesome, unnamed nurse made sure we didn’t need any water or juice, and left us in the exam room to wait for my oncologist.  Not my favorite doctor, but he is just doing his job.  We waited a few minutes, and when he entered the room he asked how I was doing.  My answer: “Fine,” to which Ian corrected, “Fine, except the headaches, backaches, numbness…” Yup, that’s why I brought him along, to be brutally honest where I can only say “Fine.”  And that is why I need him.  He won’t let me hold things back because I don’t think they are significant.  He has to deal with me when my headaches become so unbearable that I can’t function, or when I can’t sleep at night because my back aches or I am SO DAMN HOT I soak through the bed sheets.

We did not look at the CT, but my onc told us there was no significant change.  As to be expected.  Per the suggestion of our friend Chris, I am requesting my CT on disc so that he can give us some pointers on how to actually “read” it.  Despite normal bloodwork and no significant changes in the CT, we have decided to do four treatments with the antibody Rituxan.  Typically this is used in conjunction with chemo, however it is effective on its own.  This is NOT chemo, it is not a cure, its a temporary “fix.”  What should happen is the current lymphoma should shrink, and it should be several more years of what I have been doing up to this point before I have to treat again.  If you are not aware, Follicular Lymphoma is considered incurable, and it is likely that I will be fighting this for the rest of my life.  Most likely it will have little effect on my lifestyle, much as the past several years, with the exception of occasional flare ups, and treatment will come as needed.  Chemotherapy is very, very far down the line, if ever.

Next Thursday I will have the first of four administrations of Rituxan.  The side effects are minimal, and at most should be flu-like symptoms, which should subside as soon as infusion is over, or soon after.  I have to take a medication for gout, which I picked up today and informed the pharmacist, “I do not have gout!!”  It is merely a side effect of the drug Rituxan and the doctor wants to make sure there is not a chance of me contracting it.


I’m getting four doses of Rituxan which will hopefully calm any flare-ups and side effects from my lymphoma.  It is not chemo.  I will be fine, and I should feel better after the treatment!

Thank you, so so so much to my incredible friends and family.  I know that if I ever need anything I just need to say the word, and trust that I will!  And to my love, Ian, who keeps encouraging me through this, even when I feel defective.  I absolutely cannot imagine going through any of this without him, because I know that he always has my best interests in mind, and when I am not quite sure what to do, he helps me to make the best decision for Megan.  I love all of you, and thank you for taking the time to read this!

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CT Scan

“Computerized tomography (CT scan) combines a series of X-ray views taken from many different angles and computer processing to create cross-sectional images of the bones and soft tissues inside your body.” (Mayo Clinic)

I’ve been told it’s like looking down at a slice of bread in a loaf more than once. Honestly, when looking at one, I have no idea how doctors read those things. Probably why they make the big bucks! The doctor can look at different sections within my chest, abdomen, and pelvis; I always ask to look, but I’m never quite sure what I’m looking at- it’s all blobs of internal organs to me!

Today I did not have to drink the barium contrast that I have in the past, which I am extremely thankful for because it makes me want to vomit. At first when you start drinking it you may think “it’s not so bad,” but then you realized you drank less than one-quarter of a 32 ounce bottle. Instead of that, they inject the contrast at the place I chose to have my appointment. I had to fast for four hours (boo) and drink 32 ounces of water one hour prior to the appointment. The appointment is quick- I have to take off my bra and pants and today my nurse gave me XXL pants. Cute. You lay on the table and get an IV, then put your arks above your head. The table moves you back and forth through the machine a few times, then you get the contrast injection. I could hear it bubble into the IV, then the injection site gets a warming sensation, followed by the throat, then my entire body. It literally makes you feel like you have peed your pants. A few more times through the CT machine, IV removed, then you’re done! No side effects, just head home to EAT.

Anyone who doesn’t know my medical history might wonder if I have a drug problem. I had blood work done Thursday, my medical appointment at work happened to be today too (another blood draw), and the IV from the CT scan. I usually get all my blood drawn from my left arm, and after eight months of tests and prodding it’s showing some wear. Luckily I have good veins because just hearing people talk about rolled veins or corpsmen fishing around after missing a vein makes me think I would pass out.

My oncologist should have my CT tomorrow. I can only assume he would call me if there is anything alarming. Regardless, I will go in Thursday morning for a follow-up. I’m hungry now, another update soon!

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This is me, posting to my blog “more frequently.” Oops! Life gets busy and updating the blog is easy to forget! Having our own home keeps me incredibly busy, as it seems there is always something to be done! One of the first things I wanted to do was paint the cabinets, therefore I took the doors off all the kitchen cabinets immediately after we moved in. There are still no doors on those cabinets and I think only two of them have even been sanded. I hope to get to those soon!!

I’ve had a bunch of appointments over the past two weeks. Mostly just check-ups, however my oncologist bumped up my three month checkup as I have been experiencing some numbness and tingling in my left arm. It’s fairly minor, but that’s the kind of stuff I have to watch out for. I’m waiting for the results of my latest blood work. I’ve also been suffering from these fantastic headaches for just over two months, but the oncologist doesn’t seem to think they are related to the lymphoma and my naturopath thinks they are related to stress. I have been getting acupuncture, which helped with the headaches the first two times I went, but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on them anymore, however it is incredibly relaxing!
Monday I go in for a CT scan. Luckily I haven’t had to go in sooner, as initially they had been recommended every six months, but we are eight months since diagnosis! I will go back to my oncologist on Thursday morning to get the results from that. It’s interesting to see the CT scan even though I really have no idea what I am looking at.

So, as before, we continue to “watch and wait.” I am suppose to start an anti-inflammatory diet, so the next time we go grocery shopping I will be stocking up for that. I will try to update with recipes and pictures of things I am eating, as well as how the diet is affecting how I feel. If you are wanting to know and you haven’t seen an update in a while- remind me!!!



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